When I was in college, blissfully unaware I had a life threatening tumor growing inside my left boob, I was quite the little minx. See, I was crazy busy...in charge of just about anything I could (I know, big surprise, huh?). I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, basically enjoying being a big fish in a little pond. I was also hot as shit. (that's a story for another day)
As only you can be at 22, I was afraid of nothing. Or perhaps that comes from being a middle class white kid who went to a fancy schmany private college with a bunch of other white kids. I would like to believe it was because I was a. brilliant, and b. simply that good.
"Game on," we would say, as our little "we could have gotten into the Ivy League but we were too busy having a life" selves would proclaim, as we took on such amazingly important tasks as funding the student government or rushing those soon to be sorority girls. "Game on," we would shout as we picked up our Dewalt drills and built some theatrical set. "Game on," we would laugh, as we stayed up all night licking envelopes or going to the Green Mill until 4am.
Game on. A late nineties phrase used to imply saddling up to a challenge. Also used in the same conversation... "not so much" or "cool beans" or "ricockulous."
Everything was a game. We were always up to the dare. I don't think I traveled in circles where people said, "sorry, I don't think so" or "I'm not comfortable with that." Life wasn't about comfort. Life was about grabbing some sack and getting it done.
Then life bitch slapped us. One by one. We couldn't find a job right away, we got cheated on by the guy we thought we were going to marry, we lost friends and GASP! we were shown that were weren't quite as smart or as talented as we once thought we were. Of course not, we were 22. "Game on" wasn't heard so much anymore. Perhaps it simply got replaced by other catch phrases. Or maybe, we lost a little of our game as real life responsibilities got in the way. You know, bills, real jobs... adult stuff. We lost a little of our fearlessness. Or maybe we just got a clue. Who's to say?
As I reflect on my lost mojo and how to get it back, I think about that time. The time when, granted it was in a bubble, I was ready for anything and afraid of nothing. Sure, real life might have made me a little less stupid, but cancer definitely wore me down.
I've let cancer take my self image, my strength, my energy. I've let it take my body, my self confidence and my fearlessness. I've let it take my hair, part of my boob and my sex drive and feeling in my fingers and toes. I've let it take way too much. I'm done. I'm taking it all back.
Game on.
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5 comments:
Courtney, I don't know you, but I feel like a might know you a little now, after following your blog for months now, from probably the third or fourth entry. I felt more and more that you were such an inspiration, such a talented writer, so strong. After this last post, I now have chills, goosebumps and am ready to go take on the world. Your are the most inspirational person I have come across. I applaud your guts and wish you the very best on your journey.
To capture the essence of being in your twenties, "The beauty of being naive is that you're too stupid to be scared." Yours truly said that. My twenties were a great time filled with the unknown, stupid mistakes, career changes and a whole lot of fun. Although I miss those days, more for nostalgic reasons than anything else, the naivete of thinking and truly believing that I could take on the world and nothing could stop me, shaped me into the person I am today. (Being nine months pregnant, the shaping comment could be a bit misconstrued).
Never lose sight of who you were, are and will become. Truly, you are one of the most fascinating people that I know. Hence, while I educate the youth of America, I use your experience (drinking and other debauchery stories aside) as inspiration for them.
Okay, I have nothing amazing to add to what everyone else is saying... You inspire me and everyone around you, missing mojo or no. However, I have to say that my first memory of "Game on," was from WAYNE'S WORLD. Do we all remember Wayne and Garth playing roller hockey in the street, and as cars drove by, they'd yell, "car!" then when the cars passed Garth would yell, "Game on!"?
Hey baby. I think the jury is in, and you clearly kick ass in a major way. I miss you two like crazy, and I check on you here all the time. I'd love to hear from you and Alan some time (oh and get your new address and everything)...my Knox email will never change, so make that boy email me!
Besos,
Nikki
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