Thursday, February 23, 2006

Breast Cancer, Really?

So I'm 29 years old and I have breast cancer. Wow, that sucks. Does someone have a drink? I could really use a drink. I'm not quite sure it's set in yet. Am I supposed to have a nervous breakdown? I've been known to sob in my closet laying among dresses I'm too squishy to fit in. Why do I flip out over clothes and not about cancer. Hmm? I guess we love to revel in made up drama. When the real drama happens, it's time to strap it on and get to business.

I have to admit I think having a blog is a bit self-indulgent. After all, I'm not that special. (well, I am, but not because of cancer). Why not just have a journal? Why shout it from the rooftops? Who the hell cares? There's a couple of reasons. First of all, especially right now, when my email inbox is full of 30 messages and I have voice mails and everyone wants to know what's happening but a. They don't necessarily always want to hear it, and b. I don't want to tell it a million times. Think of this as an electronic phone tree. Looking for test results, press 1, next plans, press 2, a great recipe for a Mexican lasagna, press 3.

The next reason is my friend Dave. He just finished treatment for lymphoma. He's fabulous. Some of you may know him as "Little Harold". He had a blog through treatment, and I admit I checked it regularly. Partly because it was well written, funny and interesting, partly cuz I cared, and partly becuase it was one of my many procrastinations from work. He told me the blog was so helpful to him personally as well as great way to keep everyone in the loop.

The last reason- it may help somebody. The few nights I was playing armchair internet radiologist (more on that later) I admit I googled "breast cancer blog" and I read many. They scared me, they inspired me, they gave me resources. I feel responsible even now to do something for them. Well, shit, tie me up with big pink ribbons!

It's not to say I'm not freaked out. Cuz I am. Hello? I'm still waiting on that glass of wine... Funny, as I'm not really a drinker (anymore that is) . This is really going to suck. I'm not going to drop dead of this disease, but wow- surgery, radiation, chemotherapy. Damn, the day I found out I had just gotten a really great haircut. And a pedicure. I vow to have great toes this entire process. At least when I lose my hair and it grows back we'll be able to get to the bottom of the great "what is my real haircolor" debate.

I will probably be writing on here with great frequency in the beginning. Partly to the phone tree factor, partly for catharsis, partly for procrastination. Please check back here often. I promise, it won't always be about cancer. Maybe tomorrow's topic? Sectional couches. I am currently searching for a good sectional that doesn't cost the same as a small used car.

ps. if you're wondering who the hottie is in that picture? Really, it came with the frame.

Thanks for all your thoughts, wishes and prayers.


Anonymous said...

Barbie doesn't have nipples, and everyone knows she's got GREAT breasts. So whatever surgery you end up with, you're gonna be a fox in the end no matter what.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog, Courtney.

If you have to go through chemo, I say that you forget the wigs and G.I. Jane it. Which reminds me - I have more things for you. Think of it like a big chemo family, and I have some hand-me-downs for you.

I will now be checking your blog everyday. No pressure.

Anonymous said...

I never wore wigs because they are stupid, heavy, and if you go through menopause, they add insult to baldness. Search out little tiny caps, lace caps, bed caps because you lose so much heat throught he top of the head and yes, people stare at you everywhere because they think you are going to die. A woman and her baby followed me around the market one day because they wanted to tell me how sorry they were for me. So the answer is, love your head - it holds your wonderful brain. Once you start chemo, cut your hair in stages to get used to the abbreviated you. ANd then have your best friend/husband/wife/mother/soul mate SHAVE IT!

Anonymous said...

I hope you're not planning on drinking alone! Whether it's lemon drops in Timothy O'Toole's or cosmos at Bandera, I am there! It's hard to imagine you wihtout your mane, but if anyone can pull off bald, it's you. As for the guy nin the picture, he looks a lot like this guy that I saw singing Barry Manilow on a ship a couple of years back...

Anonymous said...

Hey Courtney...It's Carolyn (Elizabeth's little sister) Dude...what's up with the cancer?? And also, you stopping drinking...this from the girl that helped throw my "16th birthday" keg. I'm disappointed in you. I guess you'll be getting your own drug cocktails that I've heard rival the Red Bull and Vodka combo. YIKES!! Anyways, my best friend beat this at 13, if she can do it, so can you!! By the way, if you end up figuring out who the guy in that frame is...I'm single (j/k.) Not really. Take care...Always in my prayers.

Chris said...

I think this may also be the place to post: "In lieu of flowers and chocolate send get-well-gifts from Pottery Barn!" If you play the cancer card right, you can get enough gift cards together to by that sectional couch--and let's go for the big one, not the one for small apartments. Remember people, she's got a huge house to fill in Atlanta.

And, just so you know, I love you.

Anonymous said...

Ok Wonderwoman...since when were you such an amazing writer?! Loving the electronic phonetree. And as for your hair...with your eyes who needs it?! I shall look forward to daily blogs...though I don't think I can help much on the sectional couch debate...but when you hit diva-children...I'm your girl. Love you. xox

Anonymous said...

Hey Courtney,

Hope you are still keeping that fab smile beaming, even if you are feeling down. I was shocked when I heard! I hope you guys are coping OK. We're here if you need us!. My mum found out she had breast cancer a couple of months back during a routine scan, and had a lumpectomy(?) to remove it a few weeks ago. She was lucky I guess, and has only a few weeks of radiotherapy to go through left. It was really scary at the time, but I can imagine this feels worse. Chin up, girlie, and keep smiling! Ask Alan how to keep a stiff upper lip!

Stay gorgeous!


p.s. Hermione sends her love!

Anonymous said...

Right Hip--I think I had an isolated moment of incontinence when you called and told me, and if I weren't $200,000+++ in debt right now, you'd have that damn Pottery Barn couch! Anyway, be glad that I'm still a student and thus will play no role in any lumpectomies/breast reconstructions. But in 2 years I can give you Vicodin!! Giddyup! In true Courtney form, you will make the best of this, and I think everyone knows that. Now go have a drink--it's good for you!