Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter!

Well, here I am- 3 days post chemo. It's also exactly 2 months since I was diagnosed with cancer. In the past two months, I've had surgery, lots of procedures, taken many drugs, had lots of needles, hatched my own eggs and poisoned myself. Pretty busy couple of months. And just like Jesus, I too experienced my own passion the past couple of days. Instead of crucifixion, I had a post op mammogram. Squishing my still blue, sore, disfigured boob into a little machine and crushing it... maybe Jesus had it right. (Looking around for lighting to smite me.... nope, nothing? Blasphemy, hah!)

I'm doing okay. Haven't been sick, still hot all the time. Still got a funny taste in my mouth. Yesterday I went for a wonderful walk with my puppies only to come home exhausted and sleep for 2 hours. I have highs and lows, I guess.

It's funny. I went to church today for the first time in, well- a long time. I usually don't go unless I'm songleading, which means I don't go unless my mom suckers me in to it. It's amazing how the same horrible old lady singing, the slow tempos (yes, that's what I pay attention to)- the same prayers you've heard since you were a kid- it's oddly comforting. As if the whole world can go to hell, but you go to church and it's the same it's always been.

I've always been a big believer in everything happens for a reason. We may not know it now, but there's got to be one, otherwise what the hell is all this for? I wondered for months why Alan and I weren't getting pregnant, when now I realize it's because I had this to deal with first. Can you imagine how fucked up this would have been if I already had a bun in the oven? I wonder what cancer will teach me? What will I get from this that I couldn't get any other way?

Alan, my somewhat heathen husband, says that me getting cancer isn't about God at all. That it's hard to imagine a God giving a otherwise pretty good kid such a shitty deal. I see it the opposite way, I guess. Maybe it's the 12 years of Catholic school, but I've got to believe there's a reason for this. Then again, maybe we make it all up to make ourselves feel better. And you know, that's probably okay too. Whatever gets you through the day. For me, I'd like to believe that in 10 years I'll look back on this with a little bit of hindsight, thanking whatever, whomever got me through this and made me better for it.

So happy Easter. Hop yourself up on some chocolate. Eat some for me.

Ps. I still believe God has to be a man.

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