Friday, April 07, 2006

Giving Thanks

Maybe it's because it's 67 degrees. Maybe because my doggie just licked my face. Maybe it's because I'm beginning to see my chin again. But I'm feeling optimistic. Yes, I have cancer. And yes, I'm about to go through chemo, which by all accounts is the really shitty stuff compared to the smooth sailing of before. I'm going to be sick and lose my hair and not feel like myself. But my chin- really, it's back. Cancer sucks, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it- all I have to do is look down and see the now 4 scars across my chest, or see my inside elbow bruised from the needles. But you know, it could be a lot worse- I could be ugly. That can't be cured. :)

Seriously, cancer aside, I have so much to be thankful for. Maybe it's because I just had a harvest of my own, and harvest time implies inviting over some people of color and giving thanks. I have black dog- does that count? So let's give thanks, shall we?

I am thankful I am finding my chin again.

I am thankful for my husband- my rock. I never expected to put this on him. He is so wonderful. He makes me laugh. He holds me when I cry. He picks up the dog poop in the yard.

I am thankful for my family. I'm now at my parents practically once a week, usually overnight. They put up with me, my husband and my dogs. And still they take us out for free dinner. My extended family has been beyond awesome.

I am thankful for my friends. They are far away for the most part, but I feel them in every email, every message on my voice mail, every blueberry bread they send. They laugh about implants and wigs and all those non politically correct things we're not supposed to joke about. They talk about things that aren't cancer, like all the horrible choices they make over and over again about really shitty boys. It's nice to talk about things that aren't cancer.

I am thankful that I will never again have to go through that process of dealing with shitty boys. Believe me. I made enough bad decisions for a lifetime.

I am thankful for the song, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. I myself had a lovely lady lump (of a different kind) and I can still make him work, make make him work.

I am thankful for my puppies. One look in their eyes and I can't help but feel better.

I am thankful for my great job that allows me to be flexible, still earn money, and thankfully, allows me to escape reality a bit. I am thankful for the fabulous group of people I work with.

I'm thankful that in 2 months I will be leaving the tiny small town I have called home for the past 3 years. No knocks to those of you who may like small town living, but 45 minutes to get to a GAP? No Starbucks? No thanks.

I am thankful that for the first time in my adult life, I actually do not have to worry about money. With the exception of whether or not the $250 Burberry hat that I feel I deserve to cover my bald head is really worth it. That in itself is a blessing.

I am thankful I have not lost the ability to laugh- the ability to find humor in an otherwise crappy situation.

I am thankful for the Taco Bell Crunch wrap. Yum. Especially after a night of cocktails.

I have so many things to be thankful for. When I look at myself and think, I'm squishy, I can't have babies (at least not right away, and not without A LOT of medical intervention), my boobs look different, I will lose my hair, have months of shittiness... I push though it all and find that little pocket where a part of me knows that in the end, I'll be fine. I will be stronger for it. And it could be so much worse. I could not have insurance.

So go email, call, hug someone you're thankful for. We don't thank the people in our life enough for being in our life. You'll feel good doing it, I promise.


Chris said...

Well shit. I think I'm tearing up a little. I am thankful for you. Let me know if you want anything other than blueberry bread...
Love you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Courtney, great comments. We all take so much for granted, and the corporate demands on our time etc, give little chance to stop and think and appreciate that there is a world out there where values are different and it doesn't matter that you didn't put a tick in the right box on that form on your desk. That's the real world you are talking about, and we should all take time to stop and think and be grateful for what we have. Keep writing, one day I may get to see just what you write for a living, but what you write here, brings me into focus all on its own. Keep smiling, we'll see you in a few weeks, Best Wishes, Sue & Mike