Fatty McFattersons

That's me, fatter than a country pig, as my friend Hope would say. I have been taking my hormone shots for 5 days now and that bloating they warned me about- holy shit! I have had 2 ultrasounds so far and after the first one, my IVF coordinator told me to dial down the dose because I was responding so well. By well, I mean that I feel like I'm about four months pregnant and look like it too. After two days, a friend actually said to me, "Yeah, you do look a little bloated." You think? I love cancer. It makes me fat. Apparently women with breast cancer gain on average like 15 pounds during chemo as well. Cool. Cuz being pasty and bald isn't hot enough. Okay, back to the egg shots. I currently have about 15 follicles in my left ovary that are over 1cm a piece, and about 10 in my right. Oh, lord. Seriously? I'm currently cooking like 2 years worth of periods in this oven. No wonder I feel like a monster. I am not crazy moody or anything, just fat. Alan tried to cheer me up by singing "Baby got Back"...c'mon you know the words, sing along with me now..

I like big butts and I cannot lie,
You other brothers can't deny-

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't decide if it was funny or if I was offended. I chose to find it funny. The latter would be too depressing. But on the sunny side, it's gonna be a good harvest. Perhaps when it's all over (in about a week) I will have a harvest festival- you know, invite some Indians- maybe wear a big hat. I'll talk about the fruits of my labor.

All I gotta say, these kids I might have one day they better be some brilliant, tallented mother fuckers. Cuz if they're assholes- watch out!

Hmm...maybe I am a little moody.